I’m pouring my heart out here and revealing my open wounds as a mother. So please tread carefully with your comments and try not to scratch the wounds. I’m a Mom who tries to give her all to her kids, but who is aching to have something left for herself.
This morning, after reading a fantastic article on how we as mothers mourn the “death” of our old selves when we have kids, I wanted to post it on Facebook. While posting, one child was climbing all over me, the other one banging me with a pole that he shouldn’t have had that I continued to confiscate (and he found more of the poles throughout the house–they were doorstoppers). It took me a half an hour to post one dang sentence on Facebook. Writing that one sentence consisted of interruptions for timeouts, kisses, cuddles, and silent curses (mine, of course).
Now I’m a firm believer in dropping the phone to parent. I have Hands Free Mama in my Facebook Newsfeed and regularly read her posts. When breastfeeding my children, I made it a strong point not to have it be a SmartPhone break for me (too often). Already today I built up a fun reading fort and we read a stack of books together–and those kinds of activities happen all day.
[Writing interruption--son climbed on me and wanted to talk about his doggie]
But–
[Writing interruption--daughter wanted a story read]
[Writing interruption--kids wanted a cookie. Yes, I gave my kids cookies at 9:40am because I NEED to write right now. I am aching to get these thoughts out. So insert judgement here: Tara, you are a ______ parent for letting your kids eat cookies at 9:40am so you can selfishly write a blog post]
Where was I? Right. I am all about putting your phone down to parent. When I was in the library yesterday, my kids were enjoying playing with books and kids, and I couldn’t muster up the courage to look at my phone. I felt like I’d be the jerk Mom looking at her phone while her kids play, even IF I watch them while doing it (note: I don’t think those Moms are jerks…..sometimes I wish we were more aware of our kids in their surroundings while on our phones, but not jerks. I don’t judge Mamas, promise. But I worry how others judge me). I thumbed through a cookbook, but still felt like I was “bad”.
All day I ached for 8pm, when the kids would be settled down into bed and I could grade the stack of papers waiting for me. But husband worked a 13 hour day and wasn’t home until 8. My son needed some extra attention because he is still getting over an ear infection, so he got medicine, temp taken, and lots of snuggles.
8pm came, and went.
The house was a mess so I cleaned it up. I then drew a bath for myself, only to find we were out of hot water.
9pm came, and went.
Still no papers graded.
Finally I started grading, but my son started crying in the room. I went in and laid with him. Then my daughter wanted snuggles too. So I laid down with her.
10pm came, and went.
By then my brain was done. If I graded papers, I’d miss things or be a jerk to my students. So I called it quits. I resolved myself to 30 minutes of bliss watching New Girl on my Kindle while using Pinterest on my phone. My Kindle died because daughter used it during her nap. I tried Pinterest, but my husband wanted my attention at that time so I had to put it away.
11pm came, and went. Finally, I slept.
So yes, I am mourning the loss of “me.” I had good intentions. For crying out loud, I wanted to do my JOB and grade papers. But my most important job as mother took priority.
So what to do?
Honestly, I think society kind of sucks right now. And that’s the problem. Enough of these guilt-inducing (although well-meaning) posts, shackling us mothers with guilt because the only 5 minutes we can look at our phones and do something for us is the 5 minutes our kids are distracted by books at the library or cookies at 9am. We can’t handle any more speeches or judgmental glances to urge us to put down the phones (remember, I was one of those posters, so I am getting at me too here. And people are getting at a VERY important issue–but the issue isn’t with the Moms). Instead, we need to touch on a bigger issue: SOCIETY needs to help us Moms have time for “us” (and that is NOT 30 minutes of grocery shopping alone).
I love that we have come a long way as a society where we can vote, and work, and get an education. But right now, society is making us do it all. Last week I dragged my kids to class with me because that is the “feminist” breakthrough–daycare dilemma . No problem, our society has “advanced” because you can now bring kids with you to work/school. How the heck is that a problem solved? I spent four hours shushing two kids under the age of 4 who had to sit quiet for FOUR hours. I chased my son as he pulled the fire alarm, shushed my daughter as she pretend burped in a quiet class, grabbed my son as he crawled across the conference table, and looked with embarrassment as my daughter pulled my shirt down while I was talking with a male student and revealed my BEDAZZLED bra (why a bedazzled bra? Because I haven’t had time to do laundry).
The joyful “take your kids to work day” moments before the Bedazzled Bra reveal.
[Interruption: Daughter wanted me to read her a book]
But the only alternative to not bringing kids to school is dropping out of the class, because I already missed another class when my son had to go in for an urgent doctor’s appointment. If I could have used Skype for class, rather than attended with kids, I would have gotten way more out of it and the kids wouldn’t have distracted the learning environment.
I spoke with my Department Chair and asked what teachers of classes do when their children
[Interruption--daughter needs help finding Waldo]
I asked the department chair what teachers do when their kids are sick. He laughed and said in his 30 years of teaching he had never had a teacher cancel their class because of a sick child. So what the heck do they do? Surely they must lie. Because I can’t get ANY daycare for my sick kids, and my husband is off working and his job won’t let him take time off. Friends don’t want to watch my sick kids because they don’t want their kids to get sick.
So here we are society. The working Mom is left to look crappy at her job, take her kids to her job and get nothing done (and distract others), or lie and miss going in altogether. THIS is feminism?
There are people out there who get it. One professor of mine says “Where the rubber meets the road in feminism is when a mother has small children.” And she is a true feminist who GETS it and understands that I may have to miss a class here and there because I have a sick kid. We need more like her. We need to support one another. When I had my awful ”bring your kids to work” day, one Mama sent me a gift card to Starbucks when she heard about her day. That was amazing and touched me.
We need more of that. Less of ”put your phone down and parent your child” glances, and more constructive ways of helping. More offers to babysit while the other person can go get some “me” time (REAL “me” time). And more ACCEPTANCE of offers so we can get me time (I don’t know about you, but I feel so guilty taking help). Instead of saying “do you need help?” we need to present it to each other to make the other feel less guilty. Like, “Hey, my little one is in need of some social time, do you mind dropping off your kid sometime and maybe you can go get some alone time yourself. I was thinking that is something that might help you and me at once.” Or “Hey I made some extra dinner and we won’t eat it, I am in your neck of the woods, do you mind taking some?” THAT is how you offer help, otherwise we won’t take it. We need more acceptance of Men taking time off to care for their kids. More acceptance of people having to miss things because of kids. We need better solutions, because right now, our current definition of “feminism” is not cutting it.
[Interruption, son was rolling a small desk through our door as a "stroller"]
I will use my phone to do something that gives my brain a break, even if my kids are falling all over me. Because that is my only choice right now. You might say I should better use my time, and of course, everyone should. But I so desperately need “me” time that I can’t think clearly–and so yes, my time management is a mess (like this 30 minutes spent blogging rather than snuggling the kids or changing out of pajamas).
Until society gives me a better solution, my “me” time consists of quick moments on the phone or computer while passing off cookies or Where’s Waldo to the kids. Otherwise 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, and 11pm will all come…and go….and so will my sense of self.
*Hugs* I wish we lived closer so you could drop your kids off here! (They’d have fun with Nathan, who woke up, got some juice, found a cookie, and is now riding around the kitchen with his sugar foods and no clothes while I have my only computer time of the day!) I think all mom’s sometimes want to pack a bag and sneak away in the middle of the night sometimes (did you catch THAT HIMYM reference? Those parts of the episode made me teary. I get that) and I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to be doing as many things as you are
I love it Carolyn!
Carolyn, I totally cried during that scene. I felt EXACTLY how Lily felt and totally understood her guilt about it. Thanks everyone for the sweet comments. Trisha, you fill me up every day. Amy, you actually see me as a Mom in-person, so it means a lot to hear I’m not doing it totally wrong–and it is especially valuable hearing it from someone whom I admire as a mother and who is the daughter of one of the greatest mothers of all time. Everyone, thank you so much. It’s hard to talk about this. I hope you aren’t all worried about my mental health now. I swear I am not going (too) crazy right now, but my son sure is giving me a run for my money this week. I just feel like too much is being put on Moms–too many responsibilities, too many expectations. It’s bothering me how many posts I am seeing that are intended to make a Mom feel guilty about her actions. It makes me sad that no other part of society is taking as much responsibility for the rearing of children. My husband has been VERY supportive, don’t get me wrong. He just recently got a big promotion and basically it was made clear that he would not have much time off (he does work for an amazing company, it’s just this particular position demands his product knowledge 10+ hours a day). It was a tough decision for us to make, but because we are aching to get out of debt and because we wanted the funds to rent a house with an extra bedroom, we decided to take the job. So I willingly took the sacrifice….it just still bums me out. But anyway, thank you everyone for listening to my vents!
I trust your faith will get you through and I believe you are sharing this post with the world so you can see whether or not you are alone. Although not a lot of people leave comments, I know you are one of oh so many moms that feel this way. Thank you for taking the time to write this post so other moms might see it’s not just them. =)
Not that it will change the current situation exactly, but I highly recommend NOT reading anything that makes you feel guilty. First of all, it just makes you feel worse
But also, why give attention (which equals web traffic which equals MONEY which equals incentive for the writer!) to something you don’t support or believe in? I’ve seen a lot of people writing lately about posts trying to shame or guilt other moms, and I have been shocked that they even exist, but that’s probably because I just don’t follow those kinds of blogs! And I think I’m happier and better off for it 
Nathan runs around the house with nothing but a diaper on, he’s never participated in a structured arts and crafts activity, gets much of his nutrition these days from peanut butter or yogurt popsicles (which are usually eaten while he’s in the bathtub at night, because it’s just so much easier to clean up!) and yeah, he probably watches more Blues Clues than is recommended. BUT! He’s ridiculously smart, is bigger and more active than many kids his age, can entertain himself well (for the most part, he is only 2!) and is absolutely the most loving and kind big brother I’ve ever seen. I’m sure there are LOTS of people who would have disdain for my parenting (or my house, there are toys EVERYWHERE) but I’m happy with the little people it’s creating, so I choose to ignore anyone who makes me feel other than good about myself! Being a mom is SO HARD, and there’s no reason to make it any harder! So, that totally doesn’t help you with your daycare or school situations, and for that I am so sorry because you’re right, it DOES need to change! But maybe that’s how change has to start, anyhow – with BABY STEPS! (AH, that worked out nicely!) 
You’ve done a great job bringing up the issues, and if more people can focus on what needs to be done to support parents better across the board, and less on “ooh, look at me and how great I am!” maybe that’ll get us headed in the right direction.
Amen, Amen, Amen. I’m right there with you. I can’t get a job because there is no where around us that will give me a job that will pay enough to do daycare and a car much less have something left over at the end of the month. And if the kids get sick at daycare or school then I’d have to not go anyways. Hubby works 2 hours away just to have a job. The whole feminism thing has annoyed me because I feel sometimes looked down upon for staying home and homeschooling my girls so they can see their Dad whenever he is home. Because I gave up a “career” that I didn’t want anyways. I’m trying to web consulting from home to try and help some with the finances, with the kids climbing all over me, or giving them the video (gasp) in order to try and get something done but even with that I have 20 questions in 15 minutes that I have to answer. So yes. I understand completely and say Amen. Society does have to change. I just wish I knew how to make it change. In the meantime I’ll pray you get your help, wish I was closer to trade babysitting because right now I don’t have anyone to do that with. ((HUGS)) gotta go the baby needs a diaper and the oldest wants me to see her coloring page.
I get it.
And if there was a daycare that took sick kids (they’d each have to be quarantined to a separate room) they would make a million bucks!
Tara, I wish I could call you on the phone right now. I have oh so much to say. Usually, I share my thoughts with you privately, but since your blog is a more permanent place I will take the time to see if I can share them here so you can reflect on them on a future bad day, week, month. Yes, there will be other bad times. =) Hang in there! You are doing SO much better than you even realize. Hindsight really is 20/20.
First, when moms are as busy being Super Woman as you are, they do need to multi-task at times. Although I’ve read multi-tasking is actually less effective over time than single-tasking. This means that some times we do take a Smart Phone break to socialize via Facebook, check out some neat ideas on Pinterest, etc. while feeding our little ones or even while they are playing or reading happily and peacefully. Sure we will miss some great moments, but what is better… your kids having an attentive but stressed out and grumpy mama or for them to see that sometimes even mom (and dad) need some time to be (in this case) Tara and not mom or wife of so-and-so.
Cookies at 9:40 a.m. — Done in moderation this is great! It’s not like you are plying your children with treats all day long and skipping nutritious foods altogether 24/7. If it makes you feel better, sometimes we have a late lunch on Saturdays and then have a vat of popcorn with our family movie. Popcorn = dinner in those cases. The kids love it and we get to spend time together as a family of nine. Time not spent fighting and screaming = bonus!
My husband consistently worked nights for seven years. That was really hard on both of us. It was not a lot of fun to feel like a single parent and stress constantly that some child’s actions or loud voice was going to wake daddy. Oh how I longed for some quality me time, us time, and even him time. We had no friends or family in town either.
Regarding feminism, I think the way most people take that today it is actually quite destructive to women. It seems to have made us feel like not only can we do it all, but we SHOULD have to do it all and do so perfectly!
Sick kids — husbands need to find a way to speak up and say from time-to-time they will need to take an unexpected day off from work because they have a sick child or children. Companies typically give men time off to attend labor and delivery. This courtesy really does need to extend further into parenthood. I pray for a change in America on this issue.
Help — I am in the same position as you about accepting help and don’t ask for help outside of my husband and children for the most part. Your suggestions are great and I have actually been implementing them over the past several months. It took A LOT of encouraging and repeated offers (within one phone conversation alone) for a particular mom to accept. She was able to take a ‘personal day’ with only her newborn in tow — no husband, no toddlers. It was great!! She has also gone shopping, had appointments, and more solo events because I was able to convince her to accept my help. Granted, I am a VERY busy SAHM but I told her I will never get done all I want or need to get done, so what’s one day, one morning, or one afternoon really going to matter from time-to-time? The trade-off, my kids get to play with kids, I get to spend time being an Auntie, and we are all making memories.
Thank you for all you do to make this world a better place both inside your home and out.
Great big hugs are being sent from the Pacific Northwest.
P.S. I take sick kids too, but prefer for them to not be throwing-up. =)